Ask most Leaders if they have good one on one communication skills and they will most likely say yes. Ask an employee what it feels like when a boss starts asking a lot of questions in a conversation; “All we want are the facts ma’am”, Sgt. Joe Friday.
As a Leader how much do you listen and then respond in a conversation? When you do talk, how much is responding to what the other person is saying by providing your insights versus asking them a question to help you understand them better or gain a greater understanding of the topic at hand?
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with intent to reply”, Stephen R. Covey. Does this apply to you? Peter Drucker stated “the most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said. This is difficult to accomplish with your lips moving all the time.
Most Leaders lack the skills or experience to utilize effective communication to increase their effectiveness as a Leader in their organization. How does a Leader learn about what’s important in running their organization? One of two ways, passive through their eyes and ears or through verbal interaction with others. In over 30 years I can count on one hand the number of Leaders I have observed with above average communication skills.
What was the skill the good ones utilized that isn’t on everyone’s list of good communication skills? The skill of asking good questions or the ability to use questions to effectively inquire into what the other individual is talking about. Used correctly is it inquiry, incorrectly it comes across as an interrogation. Asking questions to skillfully acquire deeper information also demonstrates a genuine interest in what others have to say.
Want the other person to believe you really are interested in what they have to say? Don’t respond by telling them what you think but start inquiring through effective questions about the information they are giving you. Inquiry is truly a developed skill not learned in a one-day workshop.
I believe Steven Covey’s book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People provides the best understanding of using questions effectively [Habits]. His Habit # 5 is Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood. Understanding requires you to engage in inquiry (questioning) skillfully.
Asking too many questions can backfire. However, the other person won’t feel like they are being interrogated if you inform them where you’re going along the way. In other words, you need to inform the other individual why you are utilizing frequent questions rather than responding/replying all the time.
If you want to learn more and deeper information from others, demonstrate that you are truly interested in what they have to say begin to learn how to utilize inquiry/questions. a personal note, never use the phrase, ‘so what i hear you saying”.